varsity

Contradictions

2008-06-03T22:04:00.002+08:00

i know yet i dont know
i am aware yet i am unaware
i have yet i dont have

i would've known better yet i didnt know
i was first yet i was last
i am the top yet i am the rock bottom

i have it yet i have none
i am loaded yet i am empty
i can yet i cannot

i am nothing, but God is everything
i dont know, but God knows
i am unable, but God is able

i believe and i believe.

God is God, from everlasting to everlasting.

i believe it will all come to past and i am certain i have so many things i can learn. i think i know but actually i dont know; i think i see the unseen but actually the unseen is unseen to me. i am but a small small small thing. yet a big thing. who understands the irony of all things, except the one who created it?

"For who is Lord but the Lord?
Who is God except our God?
The highest.
The most good.
The most mighty.
The most omnipotent.
The most merciful, yet most just.
The most hidden, yet most present.
The most beautiful, yet strongest.

The stationary, yet incomprehensible constant.
You cannot change, yet You change everything.
You are never new, yet never old.
You make all things new, yet conquer the proud with old age before they know of its approach.

You are ever working, yet ever at rest.
You are still gathering, yet You lack nothing.
You are still supporting, filling and overspreading; still creating, nourishing and maturing; still seeking, although You have all things.

You love without yearning,
are jealous without bitterness;
share our regret without self-reproach;
express anger without losing serenity.

When all others fail to finish what they propose, Your purpose remain unchanged.
You receive what You found yet had never lost.
You are never in need yet rejoice in what You gain.
You never covet yet exact excessive payments, so that You may owe.
Ye who has anything that is not already Yours?
You pay debts when You owe nothing,
but in remitting debts You lose nothing."

(taken from The Confessions of St. Augustine modern english version)

i dont understand, yet i understand one thing -that i understand nothing.
i am very small, yet God placed an infinity in my heart that only He can fill.
i never felt that i have anything more, than now when i feel that i have nothing.

i am zero, God is Hero.

there's hope always. (:

2008-03-23T13:37:00.005+08:00

Isaiah 57: 14-21

And it will be said:
"Build up, build up, prepare the road!
Remove the obstacles out of the way of my people."

For this is what the high and lofty One says-
He who lives forever, whose name is holy:
"I live in a high and holy place,
but also with him who is
contrite and lowly in spirit,
to revive the spirit of the lowly,
and to revive the heard of the contrite.
I will not accuse forever,
nor will I always be angry,
for then the spirit of man would grow faint before-
the breath of man that I have created.
I was enraged by his sinful greed;
I punished him, and hid my face in anger,
yet he kept on in his willful ways.
I have seen his ways, but I will heal him;
I will guide him and restore comfort to him,
creating praise on the lips of the mourners in Israel.
Peace, peace, to those far and near," says the Lord
"And I will heal them."

But the wicked are like the tossing sea, which cannot rest,
whose waves cast up mire and mud.
"There is no peace," says my God, "for the wicked."

I kept opening my bible immediately to this page almost all the time for the past few days. I've been facing some personal struggles the past few days. And i am sure as christians, many of us face the struggle of falling again and again at the same spot. We end up being upset at ourselves, at how we are so weak we couldn't shake those temptations/trials/personal desires off and choose to react in a ungodly manner etc. And sometimes people ask themselves, "arent christians supposed to lead a victorious life? whats happening, why didnt God make me 100% holy the moment i first believed? As much as the spirit resists but our flesh keeps failing." We disappoint not only God, but we are disappointed at ourselves. We're guilty, we're ashamed. We ask, will we ever overcome this obstacle/sin? if thats been on our minds, let me show you today that there's hope. (: for each and everyone of us, no matter what our iniquities are.

Paul wrote it very beautifully in 2 Corinthians 12:7-10. In short, he says its absolutely necessary to have such weaknesses in our life as christians. "Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. (does this ring a bell? (: )But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." Many times we can accept the fact that the external world may be against us, and it doesnt matter. I mean, since almost the whole world was against Christ but He endured it- so we should endure the world for Christ's sake too. But we cant accept is the fact that our flesh is against us. Its stated here, its not only the external factors i.e. insults, hardships, persecutions and calamaties, it also includes our own weakness that we have to put up and be content with. I suppose Christ wasnt against himself, so its harder for us to grasp this 'dog-eat-dog; me-eat-me' thing, afterall He is God in human form and He is perfect, flesh and sin has no power over Him. (But dont worry, He understands this personal weakness struggles we humans have- I will talk about this further on.) I believe that when we get this point about weaknesses being unavoidable and essential for Christ to shine through (think: if theres no fire, why would a fire fighter be heroic) etched into our hearts and fully understood, comprehended , regurtitated, we will then fight from victory.

So since God himself is perfect, does He even know how it feels to have weaknesses and internal struggles? We've been brainwashed with the line "you havent been through it, you dont understand." And so though Jesus was man, He was God too and He is perfect, so how can he know how a man-man feels? He was man-God afterall right? But dont forget, God is God, surely the potter knows every single defect and every detail of the pots he crafts. Similarly, God who made us knows us even better than we know ourselves. He may not be in darkness, but he knows darkness because He created everything. "He knows what is in the darkness [dan 2:22]" but "even the darkness will not be dark to You.... for darkness is as light to You [ps 139:12]." Therefore there is no doubt that he does knows indeed the struggles we face. And look! In Psalm 103: 14, "For He knows our frame, He remembers that we are dust." God understands we are weak because we were made from dust afterall, He understands and He remembers. He doesnt condemn us (christians, non christians included) at all but continues to "show compassion (v.103)" because He knows we are weak. What an understanding and loving God we have! (:

In Isaiah 57:15, God reveals more of his self-sacrificial love to us in this verse. He lives not only "in a high and holy place, but also with him who is contrite and lowly in spirit." our God isnt just the high and almighty God who is far from us, far from our circumstance. But He is with us, in our darkness and in our dumps with all of us who are contrite and lowly in spirit. And why would He do that, why would He want to be with us in our cold and shameful places? Because He loves us so much, he wants to "revive the spirit of the lowly and to revive the heart of the contrite." As previously mentioned "He knows what is in the darkness" and He knows what it feels like, and He doesnt want us to continue being in there. That is why He'll be doing all that is needed to not only revive us but also provide us with the encouragment meanwhile until we finally break free, for good. Acts 20:22-24 Paul had confidence, not only that God is sending him, but also God will see him through hard times. Psalms 41:3 "The Lord sustains him on his sickbed; in his illness you restore him to full health" It may not be an immediate change, but God will sustain us, we won't crumble in face of our own weaknesses, if only we continue to have faith and trust that in His own time, He'll deliver. In His time.

The next question comes, if God really knows how it is to have to endure our weaknesses and personal struggles, are you sure He will do all that sustaining and restoring? Won't he turn away and despise me and chuck me away? Isaiah 57:16-18 assures us that our unwaivering and decisive God will bring us out in His time.

"I will not accuse forever,
nor will I always be angry,
for then the spirit of man would grow faint before-
the breath of man that I have created.
I was enraged by his sinful greed;
I punished him, and hid my face in anger,
yet he kept on in his willful ways.
I have seen his ways, but I will heal him;
I will guide him and restore comfort to him,
creating praise on the lips of the mourners in Israel."

These verses show us 2 things. 1) God sees us giving in to our weaknesses and sins and He does get angry at us 2) But upon seeing, He will not get angry forever, but promises us that He will heal and restore us till our souls are relieved and can sing praise. All of us have our weaknesses in one way or another, and sometimes we may feel ashamed and unworthy of His love. We may feel that by commiting a sin against God (eg. lying or raising your voice at your mom etc) is an immediate OUT! But let me just encourage you to not turn away from God in shame, cos thats what the devil's telling you btw, but remember God knows your weaknesses and understands, and more importantly He has promised that He will eventually heal and restore you of all these. Our God really, really loves us. "for he has said, 'I will never leave nor forsake you.' [hebrews 13:5]" As long deep in our hearts, we continue to have a heart that loves and fears Him, He will never chuck us away even when make a blooper. What a forgiving God we have!

I believe, too, that there are christians who have back slided because they arent able to forgive themselves for having weaknesses. Rmb my previous post on forgiveness, unforgiveness sets sinners from having proper fellowship and unforgiveness gives Satan mini victories. Similarly, when we cant forgive ourselves for our sins, we cant have proper fellowship ourselves (does this feeling seem familiar?) and we give in to Satan's deception of unworthiness, hence we face spiritual standstills/backslides and we feel really far from God. In reality, God is capable of forgiving ANYthing. There is absolutely no sin that is beyond His forgiveness. Psalm 103:12 "as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us." Why do we even doubt the magnitude of His forgiveness? He is God who did and will do every impossible thing! We might feel far away sometimes, but let me assure you with this -when we feel we're far away, He is with us and He is for us. Isaiah 57:19 "Peace, peace, to those far and near..... and I will heal them." He said that He will heal those who are far. He will heal you who have stood too long in self-condemnation and self-unforgiveness. Lets turn our hearts back to Him and we'll find Him waiting for us... Isaiah 65:2 "all day long i have held out my hands to a disobedient & obstinate people." all day long.... (: Lets ask Him to continue to sustain us and provide us will all that's needed to follow Him, give us hope, and may He continue to do His work in us. (: God bless!

My bds (final exams) are on mon-thurs! (: keep us (esp ken belle nic myself) in prayer please! <3

exams are coming!

2008-03-22T22:44:00.004+08:00

i've got epigastric pain :( symptom of gastric ulcer. in the afternoon tongkat said its probably heartburn. but when i puked out my dinner due to some discomfort, there was blood in my phlegm!! i brushed my teeth properly to make sure it wasnt my gums or what and when i cleared some remnant phlegm there was still some streaks of blood. i was so scared, i was like "oh shit wenyi." i immediately called dr sau (even if he couldnt answer at least his wife could. haha) after coming out of the shower and he said its probably cos of the exam stress, overconsumption of coffee/tea, and irregular meals. however, i was very touched when he prayed for me over the phone though, it was the first time he prayed for me openly. (: if you would, please pray too that this wont affect my revision and exam performance. :(

no coffee, yes milk.

and because of this, i've read up on gastric pain, this better help me in my GIT physiology. hurhur (:

ebony & ivory

2008-03-22T12:59:00.006+08:00

a few days i go i watched Grace is Gone. its about this man who has 2 daughters, and his wife serves in the US army, but was unfortunately killed in action. So the whole story was about how he brought them on a road trip before breaking the news to them. It depicted the struggles the man faced as a single parent to his 2 daughters- both while the wife was away and how he had to handle things when he learnt of his wife's death. Its a great movie in my opinion. It is very real, and its not like a happy-go-lucky show. Its very real and i liked the way they brought across certain ideas and things. The show has brought me to realise a few things that i've never specifically thought of before.

on their way to Enchanted Gardens (the final destination of the road trip), he travelled to his best friend's (i presume) house. By the way he only revealed the news to his kids on their way home. So, let me continue. He seeked solace and rest in his best friend's house. All the time he was suppressing his emotions, and when his best friend took his kids out for Dairy Queen leaving him all alone in his best friend's house, he just wept and wept and wept. Eventually, the best friend found out about his wife's death over the phone when he came back with the kids. He didnt tell the kids and went straight to the room to find the man. The best friend was so agonized at what the man was doing- bringing the kids on a holiday at this time?? The man didnt explain himself much and turned violent against the best friend for interfering with his family's affairs. The best friend got really frightened at the man's mental state, but both of them ended hugging each other in acknowledgement that things are so difficult and hard on the man, and he just needs to do what he himself deems fit to release and sort out his emotions. Peibei ah peibei. What went through your mind when we were 15. What was i like?

Theres another scene when the man was driving on the highway with one of his daughters -12 years old- sitting at the backseat doing a report about his wife for her assignment en route to Enchanted Gardens.
Man: "Why did your teacher ask you to write a report on your mom?"
Girl: "Well, she probably knows how its like when you know.. your mom is not around." (at this time she doesnt know about the death, but the mom has been away for very long in the battle field)
Man: "So.... what is it like?"
Girl: "You know how children feel when their moms arent around....?"
Man: "..........."
Girl: "They get like...... serious."

In a supermart, the man decided to let both his daughters get their ears pierced. The younger daughter -8 years old- was so happy and so pleased at the newest addition to her ears. So she pranced around the supermart alone and saw this other mother with her boy. She said very sweetly to her, "Hey, look i've just got my ears pierced. (: " And the mother replied, "Oh sweety thats very beautiful" and continued non-chalantly with her own shopping. The little girl felt so unimportand and so rejected, she went to hide in a little playhouse alone. It took quite a while for her dad and sister to find her eventually.

Regarding the older daughter, the teacher once complained to the man how she often falls asleep in class. During the trip, he found her slipping out of the hotel room alone late at night to spend some alone time. He was very worried when he woke up in the middle of the night to find that his daughter has gone missing. And when he finally found her, he said "is this why you're always falling asleep in class?" And she said "yes." i akin myself to this part of the show quite alot. i probably dont fall asleep in class, but i find myself stoning alone, walking around aimlessly quite alot sometimes. And so her dad said "alright, the next time you cant seem to fall asleep, just wake me up." and the girl was surprised, "you mean i can do that?" and the man said "sure! why not! in that way i can talk to you if thats what you need." my dad doesnt say that to me though, neither does my sister. thankfully i've some friends who would do that for me, and i really appreciate it. and i am willing to do this for my friends too, i am willing. (p.s. hey jess, <3) i might not be able to provide solutions, but i can provide a listening ear. hurhur if you need more ears i can turn on my loud speaker and let my chinchillas be involved and you might just be able to hear them making a wreck in the middle of the night. (:

well, when he finally told the girls the truth by a random deserted beach, they all cried. And oh my goodness, i felt so so so sad for them. you should've seen how they crieeeed. It ended with a scene of a eulogy given by the elder daughter. "Grace Amber Philips, born on 3rd October...." I was like !?!?!!!........... their mom had the same birthday as my mom... sad as i may be, i was reminded while writing my testimony that was shared on good friday, that God has reasons for taking her away. One of which, is the fact that He wanted to be a God of wenyi, not a God of wenyi's mom. I know God has healed my mom before, but whether or not that would have been the basis of my faith in Him, i am unsure. But God is sure. He didnt want me to build a faith in Him that is solely based on how He has helped my mom, He wanted to be MY God. And my God is He, I'm amazed at the things He has done for me.

The show has also shown me how i've neglected my dad's feelings all the while. yes, although circumstances are different, and he probably doesnt love my mom as much as the man in the show loved his wife, i am sure he has burdens too. All along, i was selfishly thinking how i was the main victim in the whole episode, because my dad probably wont care since he was divorced with her. but it has dawn upon me that hey, i'm still under his custody. and when my mom passed away, the responsibility is his and his alone, no longer shared. and yes even though my grandparents helped, a parent less is still a parent less, the burden upon each of them is just increased. i guess i need to contemplate on this for a while, and do something to show my appreciation for him and to apologize to him how i might have maligned him some times. Many times i really feel that he doesnt know how to show love. But this has taught me, that sometimes if i dont show love first, how can it be reciprocated? and ultimately, I can only love them first because God first loved me. He is my all and my source of everything. <3
(: I love my God.

side track, a joke shared by edmund wong who dropped by at our good friday party yesterday:
Edmund to friend: Hey its good friday today!
Friend to edmund: Last friday also not bad what.
Edmund: =.=

with trembling fear,

2008-03-18T21:57:00.006+08:00

i thought for the longest period of time if i should share this on my blog. (long period of silence.) and yeah okay, why not- for all i know there may be friends who are knowingly, or unknowing, be facing the same thing too.

last night was a very very.... dark night. probably, i would have used the word "emo" last time, but now i use the word dark to describe it. i couldnt sleep so i was heavily reading the bible and when i finally got tired, it was already say nearing 3am. it was very very very late into the night already, and i cant remember if i was conscious or not but i definitely distinctly rmb my mind running like crazy. In an instant, God brought me back into the memories of years ago. i vividly rmb my dad's voice- the way it were when he was scolding me when i was younger. He liked to say "(fill in abusive words here)" and even to my brother now sometimes. Those words rang terrifyingly as i contemplated every word said, and revisited those instances emotionally. with trembling fear, i listened. I was dumbfounded at my state of fear, i never knew i was so afraid, the years of closing up when i was younger had made me numb then. But not tonight. Immediately, i knew it was beyond me to face it, what more find healing. So i prayed to God and told Him with great details how scared, afraid and horrified I was when i heard those words -both in life and in my memory. I was really scared and filled with fear - to the brink of tears. I began describing everything that ran through my mind, because i knew it was the time for me to finally come face to face, vis-a-vis, to one of the many afflictions that have been hidden under the rug. And this time, i didnt have to run away because i knew God was there with me. I knew that this was one place in my heart where I had still harboured fear against man- against my dad. As i continued pouring out my rejectedness, sadness, fear, fear and even more fear, God said "I will protect you and no one will harm you." God will cast a shield of protection and in His arms, I no longer have to be afraid. He protected me, even when I was a non-christian, what more now as I proclaim in faith that Jesus is Lord.

Coincidentally, I bookmarked Psalm 121 some 2 days ago, and as I am writing, I was brought back to it again. These are the promises that God has given us, all who are afflicted.

Psalm 121

I lift up my eyes to the hills- where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip- He who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, He who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord watches over you- the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all harm- He will watch over your life;
the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.

I guess it has never occurred to me with conscious awareness that I've had an abusive childhood, and even teenage. Even if it was against my mom, my sister, my ex-stepmom or my brother, I took it as it was against me too. All because I thought that I was part of the family that contributed to his frustration. I was hurled at by verbal, mental and physical abuse. But I thank God for surfacing this up, like how He as already surfaced many other issues. And as He digs up more and more of my dirty laundry, I find myself being able to better face these issues because now i know- i'm definitely not alone in this, because now God has given me not only courage but has given me His whole self and presence as i stand facing these pains. Surely, i ran away from facing these things when i was younger because with my own minute strength and knowledge, that was the only thing i could do. Like when you touch a boiling kettle, you immediately jerk your hand off because of the inbuilt pain reflex. Running away never solved things, but things will just continue to grow into you and in a mysterious way, begin to eat away your radiance and shine. But really, the tremendous support and strength that God can render is just indescribable. I even find it comforting to know that right now, even as God brings me to face my bygone childhood, He will provide all the healing, comfort and love that's need to bind me up and build me anew.

Reading Job today, I managed to bind up some points together. Job 33 "(v13) In a dream.... when deep sleep falls on men, He may speak in their ears and terrify them with warnings..... (v22) his soul draws near o the pit, and his life to the messengers of death..... (v29-30) God does all these things to a man- twice, even three times- to turn back his soul from the pit, that the light of life may shine on him." and further down in Job 36 "(v15-16) But those who suffer he delivers in their suffering; he speaks to them in these affliction. He is wooing you from the jaws of distress to a spacious place free from restriction, to the comfort of your table laden with choice food."

"Do you not fear me? declares the Lord. Do you not tremble before me?" Jeremiah 5:22
Now, I do not fear man any longer. The only thing I stand in trembling fear of is God. (:

Palm Sunday

2008-03-16T15:45:00.008+08:00

(: wenyi's sense of humour. that, by the way, is a sharpener that looks like a nose. so when you sharpen your pencil its like kinda digging into the nose (: haha.

today's sermon was titled In the Grip of Grace, speaking about forgiveness 2 Cor 2:5-11. It was a very good message for me, and indeed many a times we talk about forgiveness. but even when we say "i forgive" we tend to only forgive partially - we either forgive the "who" or the "what" instead of doing both. holistic forgiveness comes through 3 aspects, organisational, personal and spiritual.

Organisational dimension is the forgiveness through offering others fellowship (v6-8). The purpose of community, of church or cell or group of friends, is for restoration not condemnation. Often when we do not forgive, his/her spiritual wellbeing wil be so "overwhelmed and crushed by excessive sorrow". excessive sorrow..... would you want somebody's walk with God be stumbled or hindered because he/she is overwhelmed by this kind of sorrow that stems from your own unforgiveness ? 2 interesting words were shared, "Aphiemi" that means the practice of releasing something via a scapegoat (a real goal literally) into the wild. "Charizomai" is the extending of grace so that the person might be restored and welcomed into fellowship. personally regarding this point, a close friend of mine called last night and shared about the difficulties he was facing relating to his cg. it pains me when he shared that he couldnt get the fellowship and support he so needs from his own cg. because he feels that he is being judged and condemned by his leaders when he confesses his guilt stained and shameful behaviours. and this is one person whom i have always looked up to before I came back to God. and to see him in his back slidden state, after months of not contacting each other, because he could not find the restoration and forgiveness from his own brothers and sisters in christ was burdening. i was apalled when he said "dont mention the words 'brother in christ'!" I was overwhelmed with sorrow. I cant even begin to describe how sad i felt. how can we, as "own people" the chinese would say, not extend this forgiveness and restoration to our own brothers/sisters in christ. will we be able to answer to God, for the destruction we bring to other people by not forgiving them and offering them fellowship? no matter how bad a sin they commited against us, and ultimately against God, it is definitely not justifiable for us to condemn them forever. is someone waiting for your forgiveness today? have you (un)intentionally placed excessive sorrow upon someone? p/s: and to those altruisitic people out there, hope you can join me in prayer for this brother in christ of mine, that he'll find at least that one brother in christ to extend grace to him and path a way of restoration for him. and if you're thinking why i cant do it myself, theres only so much i can do as a girl.

In the Personal dimension, forgiveness is achieved through obeying God's commands (v9-10). this is one of the hardest things to do in my point of view, something that i believe needs to be internalized somehow. The 'right feeling' always comes from obedience, never the other way round. And even when we dont 'feel like it', we ought to obey God. When asked what's the greatest commandment in Matthew 22:37 , Jesus said "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment" If we claim that we abide by the greatest command of loving God, what are we doing to show our love for God? In the bible, it was written in 1 John 5: 3, "This is love for God: to obey his commands." We are instructed to love God in 1 John by obeying his commands. God has commanded us to forgive one another (Col 3:13), are we obeying him? Indeed, it is not just about obeying our pastors' instructions but obeying God's own commands. Furthermore, Pastor Edmund shared that we normally take things too personally, when actually sins are first committed against God alone. When someone does another person wrong in a community, the person does God wrong first and foremost. In Luke 23 during the crucifixion, when Jesus was being mocked and taunted- "if you are the king of the Jews, save yourself"; Jesus knew that the pharisees were sinning against Father, and hence said "Father, forgive them" and not "i forgive them". So knowing that we shouldnt take things too personally, lets exercise abit more love and extend grace to the people around us we have yet to forgive. (: and in order to forgive, we have to Decide to forgive, and let our decision not be based on the "feel-like-it" feeling, but decide based on knowing that we must obey God's commands to demonstrate our love for Him. (:

Lastly, the Spiritual dimension is forgiveness through opposing Satan's schemes (v11). The way Satan works is by winning mini victories when he successfully wedges himself between people in relationships. When we dont forgive and bridge relationships, we're just giving Satan yet another victory. think about it, why are we even blatantly building up his list of victories? What is your perception of satan in christianity? is he like THE object of your focus- to go all out and be against him? (think: falling down=satan's tripping me; no carpark lot=spiritual attack. haha) or is God THE object of your focus- to follow Him and let satan be a weak voice in the background? by not forgiving, we tend to let satan slowly creep into the first perception, and bit by bit, before we know it, our perception of christianity will be distorted from mainly following Jesus to being mainly anti-satan. We should put Christ at the center of our vision, a bright magnificent light, with satan as a tiny margin of shadow around the immense great light of God. When we decide to forgive and begin to forgive, Christ will fall into the centre of our life. God's kingdom will come and satan will just lurk around pathetically.

there are many things that hinder us from holistic forgiveness, of which is this the in built desire to want to fix the problem AND (or before) fixing the relationship. but God says, fix first the relationship, then fix the problem. the problem may take days, weeks, months, years to be fixed, or may not be fixed at all. but its that important? no. why isnt it important for the problem to be fixed? in hebrews 12, towards the end, it was mentioned that although there were people who "shut the mouths of lions", "received back their dead, raised to life again", there ARE people who were "tortured" "put to death" and "persecuted". Not that they were not worthy to be saved or to be fixed from their problems, but because "the world was not worthy of them". In v39, it was said "these were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised. God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect." the most important thing was not for the problem to be fixed, for all prayers to be answered indiscriminately, but the most important thing was their faith in God, their hearts that want to follow Him, obey Him and make Him their choice. choose today to fix the relationships, and we'll "all (be) commended". he doesnt promise solutions to problems, because we are planned for something better, but he definitely promises commendation. (: in saying this, i believe there are still some relationships whom God will choose to fix the problems of ultimately. i guess the bottom line is to not to be hard pressed about "tell me if this problem will be fixed or not and when and how" but rather, forgive each other, fix the relationships and surrender the problems and believe that His plan -whether or not for the problem to be solved- is the best plan for your life. (:

to end off i'll just share the closing story pastor edmund shared. (: There was once a guy named Parco, who lived in Spain (i think). One day, he committed a very bad sin against his father and he was so ashamed of himself, he just fled away from home. His father wanted to find him, but the streets of barcelona were too crowded and too vast. It was impossible to comb the streets to find him. So he decided to post a notice on the local newspaper and on the notice the father wrote "Dear Parco, please meet me on friday at 12 noon at Hotel Montana. I forgive you totally for what you have done. Love, Your Father." And so friday came and the father made his way to Hotel Montana at 12 noon. And outside the hotel, stood 800 men.... all of them happened to go by the name 'Parco', each waiting for their fathers to forgive them for whatever they've done......

there's a world of difference when faith is in your <3

2008-03-15T17:08:00.006+08:00

this week God has revealed alot, taught alot and spoke alot. (: it has been a good week i guess, and it is in the house of the Lord that i wish to dwell in all the days of my life.

One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek;
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord
and to seek him in his temple.
Psalm 27:4

I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the
living.
Psalm 27:13

fellow brothers and sisters, are you confident of who God is and what God will do in your life? (: how strong is your faith, will you still be able to proclaim this confidence and this sureness that you will see the goodness of the Lord when you are in the darkest, deepest, coldest moments of your life? lets ask Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith (Hebrews 12:2) to perfect our faith today, and ultimately pray for His grace to be upon each of us to strengthen our faith. (Ephesians 2:8)

my sister just left for UK, thats like how exciting :( i'm very happy cos before she left i felt prompted to pray for her and she agreed to let me pray for her! super happy! (: haha my brother was in the background making alot of noise and laughing, but its okay monkey see monkey do. not that we are monkeys, at least he is being exposed to the whole idea of praying and stuff. (thumbs up!) but well, hope that she'll have a safe trip.. (:

where we live determines how we live. i guess its very true. if we live in the world, we'll lead a life that just tags along with whatever the world does, even if its carnal, immoral and pointless. however if we live in eternity, we'll have to live according to His way, thats in accordance with His commandments and will for us, and walk in His light. knowing that we're destined for eternity is an impetus for us to stop living as if we're of the world isnt it? would we behave in an unruly, unloving, uncaring and impatience manner when we're in heaven, when we're called home to be with the Lord? if the answer is no, we should start now. we cant live in both eternal life and in the world.

"...then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your forefathers served beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord."
Joshua 24:15

regarding this, couple of weeks ago, God gave me this verse in Colossians 3:9-10. that when we proclaim in faith that Jesus is Lord and it is by His ways that we want to live, "(we) have taken off (our) old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator." my innermost desire is to continue to know God more and continue to be broken so that i may be built up anew through Him and in Him- to tear away my old self and to wean away its practices. And in doing this, I hope that i'll be able to put on the new self, that will be continuously renewed as God reveals more and more of Himself to me as I continue my eternal long journey with Him, and to be moulded into the very image of my Creator.

(: do you want that for yourself too? God has said, "All day long I have held out my hands" (Isaiah 65:2) he's just waiting for all of us to say 'yes' (:

and i guess that verse reminds me of God's forgiving and unrelenting nature. we may have slipped or had bloopers in our walk with God but He's always holding out His hands, waiting for us to apologize, repent and turn back to Him. (:

Change is (2 thumbs up!)

2008-03-14T10:40:00.005+08:00

I CHOPPED MY LOCKS OFF! (: wenyi has like short hair now, not shoulder length (not really) but short hair (: i feel that my life has become 10x more exciting 10x more different 10x more interesting, because i look interesting---ly different. (((: i'm like super beaming with joy i'm seriously behaving like some bimbo. okay correction, i WAS behaving like a bimbo last night. ham is like seriously damn fat and i really really think bacon is pregnant again!

anyway, ever since i openly declared that i'm still young, i realize that there's been alot of instances that my friends use the phrase "we are still young" and hence i should embrace my life, simply because I should when I am still young and able to! Enjoy every single thing that I am doing with my life now, cos its gonna be so different when I grow up. (like you know, cutting my hair totally short. Haha)

indeed, I find myself appreciating life more, taking everything and basking in every moment as if it were an intentional gift from God, which really IS the case (: life is so sweet so amazing so wonderful because He loves us so much, He romances us with all the beautiful things in life… the beach, the sunrise, the autumns, the mountains, the chinchillas in my room kind of thing (: haha. Oh sure, and He doesn’t forget the food aspect of life too! Taste and see that the Lord is good, He created food too! (: I guess I’m in like super high spirits! I should start being aware of my surroundings, my life, and see that God is indeed romancing me. (: <3

young

2008-03-11T23:21:00.003+08:00

i should say this while its still justifiable. ((: i'm 20 (soon) and i'm still young!
contrary to common belief, though i am going to pass my teenage years, i think i'm still very young. in all sense (: and that i should make good use of my youth. now, what would that statement mean to you?

Matthew 19:14
'but Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me
and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of
heaven.”'

i shudder at the thought of how swift the devil works. after spending some solitude time, thoughts like "you're so immature a christian; you're young and worthless; people are like how spiritual and you're like so unready, you're like a weed; you're just a small fry" came bombarding all of a sudden. i was so so so afraid and started praying for protection and strengthening against these attacks and for a verse to keep myself grounded in God. and i am so amazed and thankful that He gave me matthew 19:14 almost instantly. i may be young, like a child in this spiritual journey, but its to people like me- that the kingdom of heaven belongs. (: amen! if anyone out there may lapse into this hysterical state of mind, do remember this promise God has already made some 2000 yrs ago, that He doesnt despise young christians at all, but loves and enthusiastically & warmly welcomes us and promised us that the kingdom of heaven is ours to inherit. (:

from the bottom of my heart, i hope that my nonbelieving friends will one day indeed taste and see that the Lord is good. psalm 34:8

The Hound of Heaven

2008-03-11T00:15:00.001+08:00

I fled Him, down the nights and down the days;
I fled Him, down the arches of the years;
I fled Him, down the labyrinthine ways
Of my own mind; and in the mist of tears
I hid from Him, and under running laughter.
Up vistaed hopes I sped;
And shot, precipitated,
Adown Titanic glooms of chasmèd fears,
From those strong Feet that followed, followed after.
But with unhurrying chase,
And unperturbèd pace,
Deliberate speed, majestic instancy,
They beat -- and a voice beat
More instant than the Feet --
"All things betray thee, who betrayest Me."

I pleaded, outlaw-wise,
By many a hearted casement, curtained red,
Trellised with intertwining charities;
(For, though I knew His love Who followèd,
Yet was I sore adread
Lest, having Him, I must have naught beside.)
But, if one little casement parted wide,
The gust of his approach would clash it to :
Fear wist not to evade, as Love wist to pursue.
Across the margent of the world I fled,
And troubled the gold gateways of the stars,
Smiting for shelter on their clangèd bars ;
Fretted to dulcet jars
And silvern chatter the pale ports o' the moon.
I said to Dawn : Be sudden -- to Eve : Be soon ;
With thy young skiey blossoms heap me over
From this tremendous Lover--
Float thy vague veil about me, lest He see !
I tempted all His servitors, but to find
My own betrayal in their constancy,
In faith to Him their fickleness to me,
Their traitorous trueness, and their loyal deceit.
To all swift things for swiftness did I sue ;
Clung to the whistling mane of every wind.
But whether they swept, smoothly fleet,
The long savannahs of the blue ;
Or whether, Thunder-driven,
They clanged his chariot 'thwart a heaven,
Plashy with flying lightnings round the spurn o' their feet :--
Fear wist not to evade as Love wist to pursue.
Still with unhurrying chase,
And unperturbèd pace,
Deliberate speed, majestic instancy,
Came on the following Feet,
And a Voice above their beat--
"Naught shelters thee, who wilt not shelter Me."

I sought no more that after which I strayed,
In face of man or maid ;
But still within the little children's eyes
Seems something, something that replies,
They at least are for me, surely for me !
I turned me to them very wistfully ;
But just as their young eyes grew sudden fair
With dawning answers there,
Their angel plucked them from me by the hair.
"Come then, ye other children, Nature's -- share
With me" (said I) "your delicate fellowship ;
Let me greet you lip to lip,
Let me twine with you caresses,
Wantoning
With our Lady-Mother's vagrant tresses,
Banqueting
With her in her wind-walled palace,
Underneath her azured daïs,
Quaffing, as your taintless way is,
From a chalice
Lucent-weeping out of the dayspring."
So it was done :
I in their delicate fellowship was one --
Drew the bolt of Nature's secrecies.
I knew all the swift importings
On the wilful face of skies ;
I knew how the clouds arise
Spumèd of the wild sea-snortings ;
All that's born or dies
Rose and drooped with ; made them shapers
Of mine own moods, or wailful or divine ;
With them joyed and was bereaven.
I was heavy with the even,
When she lit her glimmering tapers
Round the day's dead sanctities.
I laughed in the morning's eyes.
I triumphed and I saddened with all weather,
Heaven and I wept together,
And its sweet tears were salt with mortal mine ;
Against the red throb of its sunset-heart
I laid my own to beat,
And share commingling heat ;
But not by that, by that, was eased my human smart.
In vain my tears were wet on Heaven's grey cheek.
For ah ! we know not what each other says,
These things and I ; in sound I speak--
Their sound is but their stir, they speak by silences.
Nature, poor stepdame, cannot slake my drouth ;
Let her, if she would owe me,
Drop yon blue bosom-veil of sky, and show me
The breasts o' her tenderness ;
Never did any milk of hers once bless
My thirsting mouth.
Nigh and nigh draws the chase,
With unperturbèd pace,
Deliberate speed, majestic instancy ;
And past those noisèd Feet
A Voice comes yet more fleet --
"Lo ! naught contents thee, who content'st not Me."

Naked I wait thy Love's uplifted stroke !
My harness piece by piece Thou hast hewn from me,
And smitten me to my knee ;
I am defenceless utterly.
I slept, methinks, and woke,
And, slowly gazing, find me stripped in sleep.
In the rash lustihead of my young powers,
I shook the pillaring hours
And pulled my life upon me ; grimed with smears,
I stand amid the dust o' the mounded years --
My mangled youth lies dead beneath the heap.
My days have crackled and gone up in smoke,
Have puffed and burst as sun-starts on a stream.
Yea, faileth now even dream
The dreamer, and the lute the lutanist ;
Even the linked fantasies, in whose blossomy twist
I swung the earth a trinket at my wrist,
Are yielding ; cords of all too weak account
For earth with heavy griefs so overplussed.
Ah ! is Thy love indeed
A weed, albeit an amaranthine weed,
Suffering no flowers except its own to mount ?
Ah ! must --
Designer infinite !--
Ah ! must Thou char the wood ere Thou canst limn with it ?
My freshness spent its wavering shower i' the dust ;
And now my heart is as a broken fount,
Wherein tear-drippings stagnate, spilt down ever
From the dank thoughts that shiver
Upon the sighful branches of my mind.
Such is ; what is to be ?
The pulp so bitter, how shall taste the rind ?
I dimly guess what Time in mists confounds ;
Yet ever and anon a trumpet sounds
From the hid battlements of Eternity ;
Those shaken mists a space unsettle, then
Round the half-glimpsed turrets slowly wash again.
But not ere him who summoneth
I first have seen, enwound
With glooming robes purpureal, cypress-crowned ;
His name I know, and what his trumpet saith.
Whether man's heart or life it be which yields
Thee harvest, must Thy harvest-fields
Be dunged with rotten death ?

Now of that long pursuit
Comes on at hand the bruit ;
That Voice is round me like a bursting sea :
"And is thy earth so marred,
Shattered in shard on shard ?
Lo, all things fly thee, for thou fliest me !
"Strange, piteous, futile thing !
Wherefore should any set thee love apart ?
Seeing none but I makes much of naught" (He said),
"And human love needs human meriting :
How hast thou merited --
Of all man's clotted clay the dingiest clot ?
Alack, thou knowest not
How little worthy of any love thou art !
Whom wilt thou find to love ignoble thee,
Save Me, save only Me ?
All which I took from thee I did but take,
Not for thy harms,
But just that thou might'st seek it in My arms.
All which thy child's mistake
Fancies as lost, I have stored for thee at home :
Rise, clasp My hand, and come !"
Halts by me that footfall :
Is my gloom, after all,
Shade of His hand, outstretched caressingly ?
"Ah, fondest, blindest, weakest,
I am He Whom thou seekest !
Thou dravest love from thee, who dravest me."

the fateful nails.

2008-03-09T14:35:00.001+08:00

today is a very good day ((:

1 Thessalonians 4:11-12

'Make it your ambition to lead a quiet
life, to mind your own business and to work with your
hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of
outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody.'

this verse speaks to me alot. its a beautiful verse on how i should lead my life. anyway i'm thinking of what i should do with my upcoming april hols.. been wanting to do some form of volunteer work at a home, preferably dealing with children perhaps.

Matthew 18:5

'And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name
welcomes me.'

i was asking angeline about serving and she actually shared that theres no harm trying out the different ministries and see which one you have a calling or gifting for, and i was thinking that i should indeed give myself a break from dental stuff during my april hols (: i shall continue praying about it.. i guess my main purpose is to want to know God more through serving, not just wanting to serve for the sake of serving. i believe there will be things God can reveal to me through interactions with kids. and indeed, many a times i dont remember exactly how a kid is like, how he thinks and behaves, which is essential in giving some insight on how to have a childlike faith, thats so often emphasized in the bible.

'..unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the
kingdom of heaven.'Matthew 18: 3; 'anyone who will not receive the kingdom of
God like a little child will never enter it.' Mark 10:30

i am sure there's something about children that God knows and i dont. something that makes us different, other than physical maturity and maturity of thought. hmm. i guess if this really works out, it would be a good experience (:

and definitely, it would be a joy to serve God through serving these young ones, especially those who are sick or from broken families. i hope what i've been through personally will be able to help me understand them too, to love them in ways i myself wanted to be loved and in areas God prompts me to show more care and concern.

i always hated children. i used to be like "they are so annoying, they make so much noise, they argue with you" etc etc... its amazing how God changed me. i guess, everyone needs love. children need our patience on top of love. but unfortunately, not every child is fortunate to get perfect love from their family and people around them. and i feel very sad for them, speaking from personal experience. its very saddening to think how the world has the ability not only to create, but destroy their lives as well, how very vulnerable and helpless they are! good news is, there's still God even when man fails. and to me, its important to not only love all children to try and make a difference in their lives, its even more important to show them there's God whom they can turn to for all the love, comfort, encouragement, approval, affirmation, security. and i seriously mean all.

i'm really thankful for the prayer warriors that prayed for me when i was young. people who brought me to know Christ, so that there was this little glimpse of hope, though not very well understood by me then, to help me tide through the storms in my childhood. to spread the message of God's love, hope and faithfulness- now thats the best thing i can do for these children, because that was the best thing that was done for me.

on a side line, on top of having my left thumb's nail drilled (accidently, and theres like seriously a hole which i can encrust a diamond within.) my right thumb's nail got chipped during yesterday's bowling session with ken's church! i'm soooo saddddd. but well it was very fun, 6 people per team and 2 games each wow (: it could have been a s74 lineage, cos theres david from 03s74, ian from 04s74 and myself from 05s74. what a small country we live in. i really enjoyed myself although i am not a big fan of bowling, somehow or another all our seniors drs and profs seem to enjoy bowling alot, theres actually a bowling event by dentsoc today but i wont want to miss church. we went up to mt faber after that for a little chitchat. we chanced upon this very nice spot with a very good view of the scenery and ian was like exclaiming, literally, wow this is such a good view! and there was like this couple sitting right there on the bench in front of him. he felt so embarrassed for destroying their moment.

een.

2008-03-09T13:35:00.000+08:00

things to do on a sabbath day:

-church! (:
-fellowship and sharing
-choosing a nice lunch for yourself
-randomly picking up things that you enjoy like reading your fav book
-tuck away your old blog and start a new one cos life moves on!